Why Is There So Much Shame In A Struggling Marriage?

“Every family has its own dirty laundry”. This is a common phrase in our culture when it comes to family troubles, especially a struggling marriage. We tend to keep quiet about it, continue to pretend that life is good if not better. If we are to talk about it, we got to keep it low profile or we can only whisper about it. It seems so shameful, embarrassing and unspeakable!

Why is There So Much Shame When It Comes To A Struggling Marriage?

Here are some of my reasons:

1.      It’s all my fault

“It must be my shortcomings that bring about the demise of my marriage” I once told myself. Even though I knew that it takes two to tango, I felt that I had no one to blame but myself! Now, when I look back, I realize that it was not my fault. It is just that we did not know the skills to nurture our relationship successfully.

2.      There is something wrong with ME

“Yes, there’s something wrong with me. I AM NOT attractive enough, interesting enough, young enough. In short, I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!” This one is the most fatal negative thought I had been telling myself!  It destroyed my self-esteem and nearly the whole person. The truth is, there is nothing wrong with ME. What went wrong was how we interact and react which created a wall between us.

3.      It makes me look like a failure

If I can’t maintain a good marriage, I am a failure. I don’t want anyone to know about it. I don’t want to be labelled as a “failure”. I don’t want others to talk behind my back...... I had been so worried about how others think of me that I lost my perspective completely. What matters most is how I look at myself, NOT how others look at me. By the way, 99% of the time, others are thinking about their own issues rather than mine!

4.      I don’t want to burden my parents and family

The last thing I wanted was to make my folks worry. I had enough troubles and I didn’t want to burden them or have anyone nagging me. However, without telling them, I lost the most important support I had on this earth – family support!

This shame has clouded my judgement and also hindered me from getting the help that my marriage and myself desperately needed. It was indeed counter-productive. My marriage continued to fall apart and it took a toll on my mental and physical well-being. I don’t know why I kept holding onto this shame! It served nobody – not me, not him, not our kids or our family!!

One day, I was stuck in the toilet, feeling miserable about my life and my “shitty” constipation (I guess I must have suffered enough emotional and physical pain at that point). A thought jolted me out of my misery, “There is always help out there. All I need to do is to reach out!”. Right! I need not suffer alone. I can ask for help!

Ever since I started reaching out for help, help kept coming my way just as one of my favourite Bible verse from Luke 11: 9-13, “Ask, and you shall receive, seek; and you shall find; knock, and the door shall be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and everyone who seeks, finds; and to everyone who knocks the door will be opened”.

How about you? Is your shame serving you or hindering you? How about reaching out to get the support that you deserve? Join me on a free Discovery Call. You are not alone!

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