When Your Husband Says NO To Marriage Counselling

My husband flat out said “No” when I begged him to go for marriage counselling with me. “There’s no point” he declared. I was left feeling really desperate, angry and scared!

Is it possible to save my marriage without dragging my husband to counselling?

“I gotta do something!” I told myself. So, I googled for counselling in Singapore looking for a counsellor for myself. I distinctively recall I emailed to a local counselling centre, specifically asking for a counsellor who could speak my dialect - Cantonese. Seriously, I didn’t know what I was thinking – to look for a Cantonese-speaking counsellor in an English-speaking Singapore!!! Deep down, I wanted to sabotage myself. I was hoping for a “sorry, we don’t have such a counsellor” reply so that I didn’t need to do anything, and I could still prove to myself that it wasn’t my fault - I was the victim after all!!!

Miraculously and unexpectedly, the clinic replied that they had one whom could speak Cantonese as she’s from Hong Kong!!! OMG!!!! That must be fate!

So, my self-discovery journey began. I am grateful that the clinic and the counsellor helped me kick-start this journey. One counsellor then led to another and finally I landed on Laura Doyle’s coaching community and turned my marriage around with the 6 Intimacy Skills, support from their coaches and the community; and YES, without dragging my husband to marriage counselling!

A Personal Journey to Bettering My Marriage

Reflecting upon the past, here are my four key take-home messages:

1.      Humility – The Willingness To Work On Myself

Instead of picking faults at my husband, I pointed that finger back to myself. “What have I done and what else can I do?” I learnt to let go of my ego and scan my side of the street, taking ownership of my part in this marriage and giving up that victimizing mindset. Yes, the anger, hatred, sadness and disappointment were still there. I took time to befriend with these emotions and own them. Owning them has set me free as I no longer need to justify whose fault is that anymore!

2.      Find My True Value - Love & Respect Myself

The marriage crisis had pushed me into a very very dark place where I lost all my self-esteem and confidence. I felt depressed, lonely and hopeless. I’m so glad that I had met a brilliant coach who worked closely with me to uncover my blind spots of what had been getting in my way. I finally learn that I am valuable, I am lovable and I am comfortable in my own skin. I deserve love and respect; and to get that, I gotta love and respect myself first!

3.      Stay On My Paper - Focus On Me!

Realizing that I have no power upon anyone but myself, I finally know where my power lies – on my paper! On my paper means things, thoughts and actions that I am responsible for and in control of, such as how I dress, what I say, how I say, my attitude, where I go, what I eat and etc. Focusing on me gives me the space to take care of my well-being and works on my self-worth. I learn to let go of other people’s papers especially my husband’s! It felt scary in the beginning; but once I mastered it, I felt so empowered and liberated!

4.      There Is Always Help Out There

This is one of the greatest lessons I've learnt – there’s always help out there. I am not alone! All I need to do is to reach out. Help can be in the form of a smile or a nod from a stranger which brightens up my day. What I need to do is to initiate that smile, or say “hi”. It’s free of charge anyway 😊. Help can also be in the form of professional help. Look for one whom you trust, be it a therapist, a counsellor or a coach. Yes, it does cost you $$$ but aren’t you the best investment of your life? Take that first step, invest in yourself and create your next chapter!

As you begin investing in yourself, your transformation kicks off. Your mindset, attitude and outlook start to shift and so is your ecosystem. This opens the door to miraculous experiences! So, even if your husband says NO to marriage counselling, it is OK. He has his only journey to travel and it is on his paper. Meanwhile, focus on your paper and work on your personal growth and development and embrace the opportunity to flourish and thrive!

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