8 Characteristics Of A Typical Fight In Couples

I picked up a book lately about couples dynamics. It’s called “Fight Right” by Dr Julie Schwartz Gottman and Dr John Gottman. The book mentioned 8 major features of typical fights in couples and I’d like to share with you here:

1. It’s about almost nothing

How often do we find ourselves so heated and bothered about one subject all of a sudden that we stand firmly on our own grounds and pointing fingers at each other? A few weeks later when we look back, we realize it was actually very petty stuff!

2. The fight escalates very quickly

One moment, we were laughing and chit-chatting. The next moment, someone accidentally had a slip of the tongue, the atmosphere changed from cosy to hostile within a minute!

3. No one is listening

Both partners are in a fight or flight mode. Everyone is so busy to attack and defend that no one has the capacity to listen. What one can recall afterwards is mainly the emotions rather than the actual conversation!

4. It consists of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”

They are namely criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

5. There is “flooding”

The heart pounds, the chest rises and falls rapidly, shoulders are tense, jaws are clenched and fists are tight. Both parties are physiologically overwhelmed.

6. Negative interactions rapidly dominate

Words, tones of the voice and body language are all manifested in a negative manner. Hurtful words which one never means to say just fly off the mouth and make one regret later on.

7. There are minimal attempts to repair

At such a heated and emotional moment, all one can think of is how to tear the other down instead of any attempts to repair.

8. It’s about in-laws!

I have great in-laws. Yet, I can still so relate!

Wow, all these look so familiar when I reflect upon the numerous fights we had in our bad old days. Some had led to sleepless nights and even cold wars for weeks! They were so heart-breaking and exhausting!! I used to wonder, “Why can’t I just hold my tongue and suck it up? Could we ever stop fighting? How to stop these endless fights and get back the love we used to have?”

I am so glad that I finally find my answers and we are in a much better place now. Having said that, it doesn’t mean that life is rosy ever after. We are still human and conflicts still arise. The difference is now we are more equipped and ready to repair and reconcile amicably and respectfully.

If you’d like to change your dance or “fight”, book a complementary Discovery Call with me today. There is always hope!